FEMALE Clones?
by Kaixa93
Summary: What if...FEMALE clones were added into the Grand Army Army of the Republic? Oh yeah, you'll see what femme fatales the F-clones will become in the front lines of the Clone Wars and off-duty. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of this except the plot and a few OCs**

**Here's the story of how the Republic thought that how nice it would be if **_**female **_**clone troopers joined the Grand Army in the endless war against the Separatists. **

**The stock would be from none other than Jango Fett himself, but the stock for the females would be added with girly genes from the female folk of Kamino. That, and a pair of boobs and vagina—the female full-set—to each female clone trooper. Now the Republic Senate thought it was a good idea, since the additional female troops would show the galaxy how **_**caring and considerate **_**the Republic was toward their soldiers. The Seps couldn't do anything now could they? What, they'd start building droids with **_**female **_**programming now? Anyway, their budget pocket wasn't that big. **

**So this is how it all unraveled…FEMALE Clones???**

Chapter 1

How Things Got Un-sexist

TROOP BARRACKS

GALACTIC CITY

CORUSCANT

'Dude, heard the news?' Jep 985 said to his teammates when he entered the squad room. 'The Republic is gonna make new clones!'

'Jep,' Kay 990 said annoyingly, while scratching the scar on his brow, 'we knew that before we were even cloned.'

'No, Kay, listen!' Jep said. 'Dudes, they're gonna make girl clones!!!!' he screamed with joy.

'Good,' Gavin 899 acknowledged. 'Now we can sleep without hearing Jep masturbating.'

Con 950 looked disgustedly at Jep. 'You jack off in the middle of the night? Fucker, I sleep in a bunk beneath you!!'

Jep ignored Con's insult. 'That's not the point here, guys. Don't you get it? We can hang out with lady troops! On the battlefield and off duty! If we get lucky…' he was obviously excited about he was going to say…'I can finally lose my virginity!'

Con laughed and said, 'I thought you lost your virginity when you got laid by that alien on Naboo?'

The whole squad laughed and Jep almost took out his blaster when their CO came in to the room. Their CO was a Jedi Knight, known and addressed to them as General Vector Starr. 'I think I can deduct that by the commotion within this room, that you have found out about the news.

Actually, the Senate thought about this action years ago, a moment after five hundred thousand of your brethren were cloned into life. But because of the lack of credits, the project of producing female clones was put to a halt, for the Kaminoan genetists stated that it was easier to clone the male privates than the females' breast and…birth canals. So the Republic decided to breed male clones for you lot are cheap. However after the countless planets the Republic liberated from the Separatist's control, we gained enough credits to clone your lady friends for this…publicity stunt. About nine hundred thousand female clones—F-clones, the Republic decided to call them,--were cloned when the act took place. Because of the advanced Kaminoan technology, our squad's F-clones are ready to join us in three days.'

'NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND!' Gavin exclaimed. 'That's near to a million clones!..._sir,'_

'Actually it's nine hundred thousand four thousand six hundred and twenty three. The cloning machine had a meltdown after the nine-hundred-four-thousand-six-hundred-and-twenty-third clone. In that accident, most of the cloning stock for the F-clones were destroyed, and now the leftovers are being left for more of you guys.' Starr said.

'No wonder the new boys nowadays are a bit wayward…kinda girly.' Kay said aloud.

'So General, does this mean the F-clones are like _limited editions?' _Jep asked.

'When you put it that way, Private 985, yes.' Starr answered. 'I trust you all will look after our F-clones like your own sisters. Or, as 985 said, _limited edition _sisters. Now, the F-clones actually arrive today from Kamino, but they needed to be sorted to their respected squads and legions by Republic command. Now, I expect you all to be at the debriefing room in six hours. The 190th Legion in Kashyyyk is doing badly and they're going to need the help of the 501st.' Starr disappeared through the door.

Silence.

Then…

'AWESOME! I'M GONNA BONE A CLONE BITCH!' Jep yelled.

'I have a feeling that this act's not going to go well…' Kay said uncertainly.

'You prick-less wimp, don't you see what kind of shit just fell into our hands?' Jep said. Though he was wearing his helmet, Kay can see that sex-maniac gleam in Jep's eyes through the T-shaped slit of the helmet.

'Fuck off, clone fool—' Kay tried to retort, but was cut off by Gavin. Seeing that Gavin was the squad leader, he had to break this up. 'All right, clones, settle down. I have to say something 'bout this F-clone controversy—Con, put that magazine down, I'm talking shit here!'

Con looked up from his magazine. The squad noticed he wasn't listening to a thing since he said Jep made out with an alien on Naboo. 'What? I'm trying to find a sniper scope that fits my personality!'

'Just put that down, clone and just listen to my shit as a finishing touch to this agonizing chapter of stupidity!' Gavin roared. Con slapped his magazine down and folded his arms, like a Coruscant slum whore who didn't get enough pay or action—either one of it.

Gavin cleared his throat (Con glared at Gavin like Gavin was some pimp who didn't give his hookers enough freedom) and spoke. 'Look squad, the addition to this team—the F-clones…I know they're girls and we're bound to hit some rock in the journey to end the Clone Wars…so whatever happens…_whatever_ happens, we stay a team, OK?'

'Even if you found out that I'm banging your mother, Gavin?' Jep said with a not-the-time-not-the-place attempt of a joke.

Gavin didn't have time to respond as Kay spoke first. 'We're Fett's clones. So Fett's mother is our mother. That means you're banging your own mother, shithead.'

Realization came to Jep. 'Crap,'

**That concludes this chapter of 'FEMALE Clones???'. Next in the hilarious or shitty story (pick your choice) Chapter 2 of 'FEMALE Clones???': Hi, We're **_**GIRLS…**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Welcome back! You must've thought the story was going good so far, so you clicked to enter a new chapter! Thanks a lot, otherwise, you're just wasting time! And Chr0n0sph3r3 (I hope I spelled your name right) I'd love to have that big WTF emoticon on my screen. So, back to the story.**

**The Republic Senate have passed out the act to produce a million F-clones (actually it was nine hundred thousand four thousand and six hundred and twenty-three) to join their army. Because of the advanced technology owned by the Kaminoans, the F-clones were ready to join the frontlines earlier than their brothers were. Jep 985 of Berserk Squad of the 501****st**** Legion was particularly excited because he could finally lose his virginity, much to the relief of Con 950, his teammate who sleeps in a bunk beneath him, now that he can sleep peacefully without Jep masturbating above him.**

**Now, we go see how the Seps handle this when they overheard about the F-clones during their daily spying routine…**

Chapter 2

Hi, We're _GIRLS…_

CIS FEDERATION STARSHIP, somewhere that you shouldn't know so it could add a little bit more mystique to the Seps' location

Super Battle Droid George 441 was on his daily shift to spy on the Republic. It was the best job for un-mechanical humanoids, because they could laze around, drinking caf, doze off and what not, but it was the most boring job for a droid because _he _(I'm using 'he' for a little more character for this droid) couldn't have the action of blowing some unlucky clone trooper's brains out. The Separatists were losing badly in the Clone Wars, and didn't have enough credits in their pockets to build normal working droids for this kind of job. So the Seps had to spare some of their army for jobs like this.

'Hey, I'm not the one making rules here,' Sniper Expert Droid Peter 295 had once said. It also bugged George that why couldn't his boss make him and his brothers' voice chips a little bit more manly. He couldn't take talking all squeakily like some faggot droid stranded on Tatooine.

Yep, it was the most boring job for a droid in the galaxy. George's mechanical insides were almost overloaded with ultimate boredom when suddenly he heard something from the Republic Security Office link.

'Yeah…these F-clones…_kzzzk…_heard there were about a million of 'em,'

'_kzzkkk…._o boy, the Seps are gonna have a handful these clones…._kzzzkkk,'_

George already heard enough. He was racing along the corridor to alert his superior. However, he didn't hear the next set of dialogue the boys at Security Office were about to say.

'_kzzzk…._hahaha…what're a bunch of clone bitches are gonna do, huh?'

'Right, pal…the Clone Wars.._kzzzk…_are gonna end real soon because of these girls…haha…'

……………………………………………………………………………………………....

BERSERK SQUAD ROOM, Troop Barracks, Galactic City, Coruscant

'Heads up, clones, they're here.' Starr alerted his squad. Gavin, Kay, Jep and Con straightened themselves. All of them had their helmets on, except Jep, who had put on some strange yellow liquid onto his hair. It made his hair look dashing, but gave out a foul smell.

The 501st Legion's trademark were the blue streaks on their armor, while other legions just had plain white armors. This is because the 501st Legion were the latest of the Grand Army and probably the best in the galaxy. When the F-clones assigned to their squad entered the room, Berserk Squad was surprised. They had thought that the F-clones would have the same blue streaks as all new clones assigned to 501st would.

These F-clones…they had _pink _streaks. The basics for the armor were pretty much the same, T-shaped helmet visors, DC-15 rifles, trooper belt, everything a normal clone would have. It was just the vinyl...and these troopers didn't walk like men, they walked like…well, girls. There were three F-clones.

'Hi, I'm Private F991, but you can call me Betty,' the first one said. She gave a salute at Starr then she waved girlishly at the others. Jep suddenly turned cool and macho-looking.

The second one was obviously burly from the others as she had armor that was at least twice the size of Betty's. 'What's up, boys? Private F980's the name, but everyone calls me Helga.'

The third and final one was the most ladylike; she resembled a Coruscant model. 'Oh, hello, losers. I'm Private F555. Since it might be a little hard for you hobos to remember the big number, you can call me Laura.' She was addressing the clones. When she turned to Starr, she said with utmost respect, 'Sir, Private F555 reporting for duty. I didn't know the Jedi Temple now trained such _handsome _Jedi Knights.'

'Snobbish much?' Kay whispered to Jep. But Jep wasn't listening. He was eyeing Betty with a devilish look in his eyes. Kay suspected that what Jep was thinking had something to do with Betty being naked.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

IMAGINE NATION, somewhere in the sex-maniac section of Jep's mind

'Oh Betty!'

'Oh Jep!'

'Oh Betty you look SO HOT without your armor on!'

'Oh Jep! Your prick looks so marvelous, though I've never seen one in my entire genetically-enhanced life!'

'C'mon baby, let me show you a place clones like us have never been to! It's a place where NOT losing your virginity is against the fucking law!'

'Oh, baby, baby, you make me so turned on when you swear like that! Let's get ready…I don't want to get in trouble with the local authorities when we get to this special place…'she tickled the Jep's chest. They fell deep in the covers of the bed, lips locked, loins burning with hot, steamy, sexy passion…

'_Jep…Jep…Jep…oh Jep….harder…oh JEP…JEP! JEP'_

'JEP! Where the fuck are your ears???'

……………………………………………………………………………………………....

BACK AT THE BARRACKS…

'…the fuck are your ears???' Kay shouted.

Jep was brought back to reality with a bump. 'Huh? What?'

'Dude, were you in Imagine Nation again?' Kay asked.

'No,' Jep said defiantly, obviously lying.

Gavin sighed. 'Sorry girls. This happens every time Jep sees a girl. He says he's transported deep within his brain into a place called Imagine Nation. A place where…well, things you wouldn't like to know happen.'

'Eew,' Laura and Helga chorused.

'I think it's cute,' Betty giggled. 'And…Jep, isn't it?'

'Ye—yeah..' Jep stammered.

'You're kinda cute too, Jep,' Betty said, a twinkle in her eyes.

'Thanks,' Jep said, blushing.

'I don't want to be a racist, but this flirting amongst clones is disgusting, and I cannot stand it.' Starr suddenly interrupted. 'Get to know each other better and at 1700 sharp, meet at the debriefing room for the second Kashyyyk briefing. Pack your gear, we're leaving for the Wookie homeworld instantly after you all are debriefed. Girls, this shall be your first mission,' The racist Jedi Knight left.

'So… this is the famous 501st Legion,' Betty said, looking at them all.

'Berserk Squad…I heard you guys disabled the Anti Aircraft laser cannons on Geonosis so reinforcement can land. Real life-saver to the campaign on Geonosis.' Helga commented.

'Ah, it was nothing.' Gavin said.

Helga disagreed. 'Not if you guys had to disable the forty AA cannons around the planet and only accompanied by squad members riding a LAAT/i gunship.'

'Well…not all of us,' Con cut in. 'Jep was in the gunship bathroom, jacking off with a Geonosian porno magazine.'

Kay was surprised. 'I didn't know you dig Geonosian bitches, Jep.'

'Hey, it wasn't just a cheap porno mag, it was a special issue of _Geo-Whores._ It had a free holo-card of a geo-bitch masturbating with a giant rock—' But Jep was interrupted by Gavin.

'Jep…' Gavin said, putting his hand over his visor, 'Remember that talk with had…'

'It's all right, boys,' said Betty. 'We don't mind. Anyway, we've never seen men before until the day we landed on Coruscant.'

'Well I do mind,' Laura the snobbish clone bitch said. 'Who knew men could be so—' she looked at Jep, and wrinkled her nose at the disgusting smell emitted by Jep's hair. '---_so disgusting_. Like a pack of untamed animals.'

'Hey, doll, that's just a part of my _animal side_, wait till you see me on bed, getting my game on, rowrr…' Jep said, winking at Betty, who giggled yet again.

'All right, time for us male clones to introduce ourselves properly,' Gavin announced. 'I'm Sergeant Gavin 899. Leader and weapons expert of Berserk Squad.'

'I'm Private Kay 990. Demolitions expert for the squad.'

'It's Private 950, but I prefer you call me Con. I'm Berserk Squad's marksman.'

'You already know me as Jep, but my numbers are 985. I'm a communications expert. You know, the one who jams enemy signal, calls in for reinforcements—'

'And eavesdrop on a newly-weds' first night?' Con added.

'Alright, _brother, _time to see what your insides look like!' Jep roared, ejecting his vibroblade from his wrist.

'Bring it on, pervert,' Con dared him, ejecting his own vibroblade.

'Settle down clones, or I'll blow your brains out!' exclaimed Gavin, brandishing two commando pistols at Jep's and Con's heads.

'He started it,' Jep muttered.

'Shut up, galaxy's biggest fucking pervert.' Con retorted.

'You know what, clone? _FUCK YOU!!!'_

**How fitting to end a lazy chapter. Sorry guys, but I have to admit it was kinda boring to do the introduction chapter because I really wanted to write on how the F-clones will be during action. But all ends must have a start. Even a lazy one. **

**To avoid confusion, I've listed all the names and numbers of Berserk Squad members.**

**BERSERK SQUAD ORIGINAL MEMBERS**

**General Vector Starr-**

**Commanding Officer, Jedi Knight**

**Sergeant Gavin 899- **

**Leader, weapons expert**

**Private Kay 990-**

**Demolitions expert **

**Private Con 950-**

**Marksman**

**Private Jep 985-**

**Communications expert**

**BERSERK SQUAD NEW MEMBERS **

**Private Betty F991**

**Private Helga F980**

**Private Laura F555**

**Yeah, I haven't figured what kind of expert the F-clones will be so be sure to check out Chapter 3: First Mission, Ladies**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello, and welcome to Chapter 3! Thanks for the reviews, though very few, which I appreciate deeply. Please continue, folks…**

Chapter 3

First Mission, Ladies

LAAT/i GUNSHIP, Kashyyyk Orbit

'Whoa, that's some shit going down there,' remarked Gavin, as he looked down on the planet of Kashyyyk through the secure viewing glass panel of the gunship.

'Forget down there, it'll be a miracle if we get through the shit up here,' scoffed Con, as the gunship swayed to avoid enemy fire.

'Don't worry,' assured Starr. 'That's just a stray shot. This path is being guarded by the 190th's fighters. Their ground troops may not be that good, but their pilots are the best. Next to us, of course.'

'Hmm…this doesn't look like Kashyyyk,' Betty said. 'I remembered on Kamino, when our training sergeants showed us a holographical image of Kashyyyk, it was all green. Not like this…all…'

'Scorched? Desolated?' Starr said, finishing Betty's sentence. 'You can thank the Separatists for that, Private F991.'

'Whatever,' said Laura. 'I just hope this Kashyyyk weather doesn't ruin my skin tone.'

Kay and Jep switched on the private link in their helmets and whispered to each other, 'Bitch.'

'You know that since I'm a part of the squad, I can hear things too even with the private link switched on?' said Laura.

'Once a bitch, always a bitch,' Jep said, not bothering to revert back to public link. 'That's what our training sergeant always said.'

'Well _our _training sergeant always said that men only liked women for what we have below our waist,' retorted Laura.

'You're wrong,' Jep said.

'Prove it, clone!'

'We men also like boobs,' Jep said, which resulted every male in the gunship to slap their heads. Even the side gunner accidentally shot down a Republic starfighter.

…………………………………………………………………………………………........

REPUBLIC COMMAND POST, Rock Beach, Kashyyyk

Two standard hours later…

The 190th Legion commander wasn't a Jedi, but a clone trooper. Well, clone commander to be precise. And he had a strange accent, which made the boys in the 501st think that Commander Dean 520 had his cloning vat spiked.

'Good-day, mates!' greeted the commander. 'I'm Commander Dean 520 and I'm in charge here.'

'And it seems you're not doing a very good job, Commander,' said Starr, looking out at the horizon of Rock Beach. 'I'm assuming immediate command of the 190th.'

'Sorry, sir,' said Dean, scratching his helmet, 'but I can't do that.'

'Do you know what is the consequence of disobeying a direct order, Commander?' asked Starr, glaring at the Aussie clone.

'Crikey, sir, of course I do,' acknowledged Dean, 'but if I give you command over the 190th, I'll be disobeying another direct order.'

'And whose order is that?'

'Why, General Yoda, sir!' Dean said, pointing his thumb behind him, where another LAAT/i gunship just landed. A short, green, long-eared alien accompanied by two clone troopers descended from the gunship.

'Master Yoda, this is…' Starr struggled to find the word that wouldn't insult the greatest Jedi in the galaxy, and also a word that might justify his feelings as well. '…unexpected.'

'Terrible the situation here is,' said the wise old Jedi, 'Step in I must.'

'But Master, I thought the campaign on Kashyyyk was the 501st Legion's own—'

'Yes, young Starr, but act under me the 501st will. As will you with no objections I hope.'

Berserk Squad saw Starr struggle to obey an order which made him let the chance of commanding two legions at once fly away with a couple of X-wing engine boosters. 'Very well, Master.'

While the rest of the 501st settled down to hear the combat briefing, Helga whispered to Con, 'Wow, is the Jedi always tense when talking to each other?'

'Heh, you haven't seen the Jedi fighting each other in Geonosis,' Con said. 'It was all, 'the Dark Side is the most powerful,' or 'good will always conquer over evil', that kind of shit.'

'All right, clones,' Commander Dean announced, 'this is the situation…'

………………………………………………………………………………………………

FIRST DEFENSE LINE, Rock Beach, Kashyyyk

Thirty minutes later…

It was all shit. The Republic can't lose. No way. If the Republic lose, the Seps will take over Rock Beach. And the oil refinery stationin it. If the Seps destroy the oil refinery, half the planet will blow up. And there goes the Wookie homeworld.

And to make shit more shittier, Berserk Squad was one of the squads that guarded the first defense line. 'Sarge, this is so fucked up!' Con wailed. 'The troops in the first defense line always die first! Why can't we be in the second defense line, where it's nice and safe in the sea walls?'

'Shut up, sissy,' snapped Laura, attaching a scope onto her DC-15. 'Hey, shithead,' she called to Jep.

'What, bitch?' Jep said.

'Let's have a dare, if you're _man _enough, let's see who can shoot 20 droids in three minutes,'

'You're on, bitch!'

'With a charge pistol.'

'What?' Shit. Jep knew well enough he had trouble with a charge pistol. Damn things were hard to shoot. You have time your shots right, or the pistol will overheat. Not like the regular DC-15, which you can shoot continuously with nothing to worry about except when it runs out of its 200 shots.

'What's the matter? Cocked out?' sneered Laura.

'Excuse me, I have a cock, do you? I'm in,' he said. 'And Laura, if you lose, you have to give me a blow job!'

'Blow job?' Laura said, puzzled. 'What's a blow job?'

'It means you have to suck my cock!'

Shock spread all over Laura's face. Jep knew it, even if the bitch had her helmet on.

'What's the matter, pussied out?'

She sounded very determined when she spoke. 'All right, but if _I _win…you have to _kiss _Kay! What say you?'

'Don't you drag me into this, Jep---'

Laura continued, 'And I mean, the furious, tongue-twisting kiss!'

'Jep—'

'It's a deal,' agreed Jep, shaking hands with Laura.

'Fuck you, Jep,' swore Kay, hitting Jep on the side of his helmet with his fist.

'Clones, incoming,' warned Gavin, retreating low behind the defense blockade, rifle in front of him. 'Wait for the Aussie clone's command to fire,' All of them moved into defensive positions.

'All right, mates!' yelled the clone commander. 'KILL THOSE FUCKING DROIDS! GOD SAVE THE QUEEN OF NABOO!'

'Must be a fan of Senator Amidala,' Kay commented. The droids came into view, marching in the water. They began firing as Dean roared, 'Remember, mates, we have to hold the beach position, or we all go to hell when the refinery explodes!'

'Jep, one o'clock!' Kay said, busy taking down a droid destroyer. Jep threw a thermal detonator at his one o'clock. Six droids blew up in the explosion. 'That's already eleven for me, bitch!' Jep shouted, counting in the droids he shot before.

'That doesn't count!' Laura retorted, 'You used a detonator!'

To which Jep replied, 'FUCK!'

Hordes of droids, especially the droid destroyers, began nearing their defense line, despite the heavy shooting. Clone troopers got killed more often than droids got destroyed. It looked as though they already lost before they even began.

'It's those droidekas' shield,' said Con, taking down his seventh shot. 'They're creating a rank to block the infantry!'

Somewhere behind the destroyers' rank, a missile fired and landed on a squad position next to Berserk Squad's. The squad members were thrown off their feet. Well, one of the guys didn't have it too good as the explosion tore his legs apart.

Dean approached Berserk Squad, avoiding fire. 'We can't go on like this, chaps. We need something to destroy those shields. And we can't do it the old fashion way, shooting it down. It'll take time with the number of shields out there. What we need is only one shot, that will wipe out the entire destroyer rank. What we need is—'

'—an electromagnetic pulse!' Gavin exclaimed. 'But I don't have an EMP launcher. Only Jet Troopers are assigned with that gear! Aren't there any squads with Jet Troopers here?'

'Sorry to disappoint you, Gavin ol' chap, but the beach defense line is down to three, including your squad.' Dean told him. Another explosion rocked them from behind. 'There goes Specter Squad. Now we're down to Berserk Squad, and Blaze Squad, my own.'

'Fuck,' Kay swore under his breath. He wasn't ready to die. No sir, he wanted to live, long enough to see the war end. The war wasn't even close to the end and the possibility of him being gunned down seemed very possible. Well, at least there were two various ways to die. One, get killed by the Seps, or Two, die in the refinery explosion. Shit, where were the Jet Troopers when you need them?

Then he saw it---an EMP launcher. Just a few feet in front of him, beyond the squad's blockade. He looked at his squad. He knew they weren't going to agree with him. Like, it was suicide to jump over the blockade and pick up the launcher. Anyway the launcher was way too close to the destroyer rank. Covering him would be impossible. Somewhere in front of him, he heard a droid sing, 'Fifty-four clones todayyyyyy, fifty-four clones todayyyyyyyy,'

He might just end up being number fifty-five. He jumped over the blockade.

'KAY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING—' Gavin screamed.

'Saving our cloned skins!' he ducked, fired, ducked again, sprinted when a bolt missed his head by several inches. Amidst the running, and the dodging, he heard Gavin give the squad orders to cover him. Just a few more feet---'That clone is going to be Number Fifty-five!'---jumped and rolled; he grabbed the launcher. He pressed his back against a weak blockade. Kay could here the thunderous laser bolts tearing the blockade apart slowly. He checked the launcher—five shots left. He could've cried there, even kissed Jep if the fucker was there. He stood up, aimed and pulled the trigger.

'Fifty-five isn't your lucky number,'

The moment the electromagnetic pulse hit the droids, the shields faltered, rendering them open to fire. Five shots weren't much, but to the two surviving squads, it was like a lifetime supply of Republic credits in their none-existing allowance pockets. The clones cheered, as the droids exploded, rank by rank, aided by a storm of DC-15 shots. The droids began to fall back. 'Fuck it! Told you we should have taken the shotgun!' a retreating droid said to his comrade.

**Looks like Kay saved the day. Come back next time for Chapter 4: Of Jet Troopers and Spider Walkers**


	4. Chapter 4

**Well, 12 reviews weren't much, but I really appreciate them. Thanks a lot guys. Your reviews make me strive to write more.**

**Welcome to Chapter 4!**

**WARNING: Things may get graphic, folks. Just to be safe, this chapter's rated (M).**

Chapter 4

Of Jet Troopers and Spider Walkers

REFINERY STATION, Rock Beach, Kashyyyk

Two hours after the first wave…

'CRAP!!!' A scout trooper came running down the hill from his recon point. He raced through the crowd of soldiers who were having a break after the initial attack. 'Outta my way! I have to get to—MOVE! I'm in a hurry can't you see?!!' He pushed a trooper who was crouching, trying to straighten his boots. He was about to kick a short green alien when he realized who he was.

'General Yoda!' the scout trooper stammered. 'Sorry, sir. Didn't see you there,'

'Yes, yes, yes,' said the wise old Jedi. 'Get that a lot I have, especially at a galactic bordello—'

'Sir, I have news of the Seps' movements,' the scout trooper said.

'Very well,' replied Yoda. 'Have this over a cup of caf, we shall.'

'Yes sir,'

'Now, one question I intend to ask,'

'Ask away, sir,'

'The female wookie,' Yoda pointed to the Wookie who served the troopers caf, 'hot, do you think she is?'

* * *

Twenty minutes and a very angry female Wookie later…

'Wookie bitch!' chimed the Jedi Master. 'Jedi Master, I am! A galactic Republic lawsuit, she will get, once we save her crappy homeworld!' Yoda calmed himself, then said to the scout trooper, who was enjoying his fourth cup of caf. 'Now, is it true that the Seps have called reinforcements?'

'Yessir,' the scout replied, downing his caf in one gulp. 'There were two Union deploying ships dropping off more droids and a horde of Spider-Walkers.'

'Deep shit we are in. Our reinforcements won't be arriving in two more hours,'

'So what do we do, General?'

'What do you think, Shit-head?' Yoda snapped. 'Call a retreat! Shows that bitchy Wookie! And after half her planet is blown up, a lawsuit I will still file!'

'Sir!' a voice suddenly interrupted them. It was Commander Dean. 'The Seps! They've launched their second attack!'

'Shit! Alerted the troops, we should have!' said Yoda. He turned to the scout. 'All your fault, this is—'

'But sir!' the scout protested, '_you _were the one who invited me for a drink—'

'Wait till _you _get sued, you test-tube clone!'

'Now that's a bit racist—'

Amidst their squabbling, a stray missile landed right on the spot. Yoda, though old, avoided the blast with his Jedi moves. The scout, well…there's not much to say. He was incinerated in the explosion. 'Serves you right for arguing with me, fool!'

* * *

SEA WALLS FRONTLINE, Rock Beach, Kashyyyk…

Five minutes later…

The sound of DC-15s firing blared in his ears. The explosion from which the bomb he detonated blinded his eyes. The taste of smoke and blood made him feel like he was chewing ashes. War was certainly hell. Gavin was screaming to him, ordering him to shoot and kill. No survivors. Kay couldn't argue with that. What were they supposed to do with a broken droid as a prisoner of war? Hey, where was Jep? Oh yeah. Getting his reward from Laura. He felt sad for Laura; the woman had to suck Jep's cock. But Kay felt glad for himself mostly. He didn't have to tongue-kiss Jep. Whoops. A bullet almost got him. He felt the need to concentrate.

* * *

RESTROOM, Refinery Station, Kashyyyk…

'C'mon, on your knees, bitch.' Jep demanded.

'You son of a bitch,' Laura quipped. 'You just got lucky you won this time,'

'Look, there's a war going on, and we need to get this over with,' Jep sat on the toilet bowl, pants down.

'Oh my GOD, look at that thing---all slimy…I'm not touching it!' Laura declined.

'Look Laura, you made a commitment. Now stick to it. Or rather, stick it in you mouth,' Jep snapped.

Something told Laura she's going to down a dozen bottles of Listerine after this, as she slowly grabbed hold of it…

* * *

SEA WALLS FRONTLINE, Rock Beach, Kashyyyk…

Thirteen minutes later…

'Kay, you have that bomb planted yet?' Gavin asked. The team was under cover on the side of a collapsed Spider-Walker. Intel had told Berserk Squad more Walkers were coming to aid the droids, and will probably cross this path. As a welcoming surprised, the team had Kay plant a powerful thermal weight-sensitive detonator pack. When the reinforcements press on this baby, _BOOM _goes the whole Separatists army. 'Done,' Kay replied. 'Let's get out of here; I can hear the Walkers coming,'

'Go, go,' Gavin ordered, and the squad walked silently through the scorched battleground.

'Hey, where's Laura?' Betty whispered to Helga.

'I think she's with Jep,' Helga whispered back. Somehow, the silence that came from Betty made Helga think that Betty was uncomfortable. And she knew what was causing it. 'You like Jep, don't you?'

Betty was caught off guard. 'Uh—of course I like him; he's in our squad,'

'No,' Helga persisted, 'I mean like _like _him.'

'What…' Betty didn't know what to say. She did find Jep quite charming, despite the others thinking he was a sick pervert. But she never knew if she really liked him. Jep showed interest in her, obviously. She was about to reply her uncertain answer when Gavin said, 'Shush, ladies. Enemy at one o'clock. Get low,'

'Guess Helga will never know,' thought Betty. Heck, she didn't know herself.

* * *

Approximately forty-six feet away…

The emerald blade of a green lightsaber slashed the air, decapitating a droid's head in the process. Jedi Master Yoda leaped and ducked, swiped and struck, destroying droids in his path. 'Sleep with a female I rather do, but since there is none, this will do!' the senile green alien sang. A droid raised his gun behind Yoda, but before the latter could shoot, Yoda swung around and hacked through the droid's torso. After a giving a full-blown Force wave at a battalion of magna-droids, the Jedi Master deactivated his lightsaber and dashed toward the nearest Command Post. The trooper-in-charge ran toward him and saluted.

'Sir! Thank goodness you're here! We've a got a transmission from a Republic cruiser, the _Intercourser_, that demands your presence!' the trooper said.

'Charming name for a cruiser,' thought Yoda. The trooper led him to a holo-link receiver. The hologram of a man was saying, '501st, do you copy? This is Captain Traak of Republic cruiser the _Intercourser_ and we need to speak to General Yoda,'

'Yoda, this is,' Yoda said, waving at the captain.

'Sir! The reinforcements you requested will be landing in thirty minutes,' Captain Traak said. 'We just need you, sir, to find a landing spot for the clones,'

'Done, it will be. Thank you, Captain.' Yoda said. The captain disappeared as the holo-link was turned off.

* * *

BEACH DEFENSE LINE, Rock Beach, Kashyyyk…

Thirty-four minutes later…

'Berserk Squad, hold this position if you wanna live!' Gavin said. 'Reinforcements are landing!'

The 501st Legion almost exhausted their troops on Kashyyyk. Berserk Squad was one of the surviving squads. Thank God reinforcements were here. And who better to call to kick the Spider-Walkers' metal butts? Yep, the Jet Troopers. When the gunships landed, the Jet Troopers immediately went to battle. They were almost impossible to catch with their jet packs and EMP launchers. Soon, the 501st were surrounded by friendly electro-magnetic pulse explosions. Droids blew up, Walkers fell down, and droid destroyers exposed to fire. In less than two hours, the tide turned, and the Separatists began to fall back like they did in the first attack. But this time worse, as they never can launch an invasion again.

The Republic have won. They have saved the Wookies from domination or worse, extinction.

At the end of the day, Jep and Laura showed up. Jep looked wayward, but somehow happy. Laura was vigorously brushing her teeth using one hand, while the other held a half-filled bottle of Listerine. Gavin did not pursue the matter of their absence as he knew what really went on in the restroom. But Jep, being foolishly beyond dumb, asked, 'What did I miss?'

**Sorry for the lame chapter. Don't worry though, folks, because the next chapter is going to reveal where Berserk Squad's loyalties really lie.**

**Next, Chapter 5: Beginning of the End**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for the encouragement, Yellow 14; it definitely makes me feel better. OK, maybe I did make Yoda seem like a womanizer. Sorry about that, folks. I'll try harder to make that seem less than what it seems. Sorry about the lateness and all. School just started and it's all been hectic. And the chapter's title will be changed from 'The Beginning of the End' to 'Let's Get Drunk!'. Read and review, folks!**

Chapter 5

Let's Get Drunk

We're back with the Seps now!

This time we're going to see General Grievous…

The CIS cruiser, the _Fuckadoodle,_ silently orbited the planets in the Outer Rim. Deep within the strange-named ship, General Grievous was receiving his new orders from the mastermind of the Clone Wars, a cloaked man with a slow and creepy voice (aww, we all know who that is; but if I tell you, it'll ruin the mood of the story). The cloaked man was communicating with Grievous through a holo-link receiver.

'Gggeennnerralllll Gggggggggrrrrrievoussssss,' the cloaked man said, as his hologram flickered. _General Grievous,_ (I'm providing mysterious man's dialogue with an Italic sentence, since we all know the guy speaks with a slur,)

'Wassup, my Lord,' replied the rap-loving organic/mechanical general. 'Ready to serve you, fo' shizzle,'

'Ssssssssstopppp ttttttalkinggggggg liiiiiikeeeee a fooooool,' _Stop talking like a fool, _

Grievous muttered under his breath, 'Who's the fool now, yo,'

'Wwwwwwwhatttt wwwwasssss tttttthattttttttt?!' _What was that?!_

'Nothing, milord!' said Grievous, recovering. 'I respect you like a bro respects his homies!'

'Wwwwwwwwhattttteeevverrrrrrr, nnnnnnnowww lllliiiiisssstttttteeeennnnn,' _Whatever, now listen, _'Yyyyyyyyooooooouuuu mmmuuussstttttt ppppppeeerrrrffffooooooorrrrrm onnnnnne ffffffiiiiiiinnnnnnnaaaaaaallll ttttaaaaaaaaaasssssskkkkkk ttttttthaaaattttt wwwwiiiiiilllllllll bbbbbbbrrrriiinggggggg tttttttthhhhhhhhheeeeee Rrreepppuuuubbbbblllliicccc ttttttoooooo iiittttttsss kkkkkkknnnnneeeeeeeeeeesssss,' _You must perform one final task that will bring the Republic to its knees,_

'Just lay the gun on the table, Boss, and I'll go blow some motherfuckin' Republican's brains out!!'

The plans laid out by the cloaked man was perfect, and Grievous knew that it would work. When the orders were already given, the cloaked man disappeared and the link receiver went dead. 'Yo, homie!' Grievous called upon his pilot droid.

'Yes sir?' the droid replied.

'What the fuck! Now what did I tell you about the brothers in 'dis damned crib! All the members of the ship's crew will act like homies! Now answer me like a brother would answer a call of the 'hood!'

The droid stuttered, 'Err…what's crackin', boss-man?'

'Better!' said Grievous. 'Now, set a course to Coruscant! We're gonna lead a full scale attack on the Republic motherfuckers!'

'Fo' shizzle, boss-man! _Daaaaamn!_'

--

Traveling a million light years, we are now in the Plaza Center in Galactic City, Coruscant…

The Republic 501st Legion was having a party for their victory in Kashyyyk. It all went well in the first twenty minutes, where Obi-Wan Kenobi was invited to sing a song on the stage.

The alien host spoke, 'Welcome, troops! You all have been thanked by the Chancellor for saving the Wookies! As a reward, the Chancellor has also taken the liberty to give you all free non-ration food and toxic borderline booze, so you can knock the fuck outta yourselves,' there was a cheer from the audience. 'Now, I invite a celebrity who has won three Galactic Globe Awards for his song, _The Saga Begins_, Obi-Wan Kenobi!'

As the Jedi Knight walked up the steps to the stage, there were continuous cheers for him. The alien host prepared a stool and a mic for him. The pianist behind Obi-Wan cracked his knuckles and opened the piano. 'Thank you all for coming, and we at the Jedi Council are very proud of your victory against the Separatists. Now, I would like to dedicate this song to my Padawan-turned-Knight, Anakin Skywalker,' he pointed to a man with a scar on his eyebrows sitting next to the Queen of Naboo. 'I also dedicate this song to my mentor, Qui-Gon Jinn, who is resting peacefully with the Force. Hit it, Barry!' the Center became dark, and a spotlight was upon Obi-Wan. The audience hushed to silence. The pianist played gently.

(DISCLAIMER: I don't own this song, I'm only using it. Don't be angry to me, Weird Al Yankovic!)

'_A long, long time ago,_

_in a galaxy far away_

_Naboo was under an attack_

_and I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn_

_could talk the Federation into maybe _

_cutting them a little slack_

_their response it didn't thrill us_

_they locked the doors and tried to kill us_

_we escaped from that gas_

_and met Jar-Jar and Boss Nass_

_We took a bongo from the scene_

_And we went to Theed to see the Queen_

_We all wound up on Tatooine_

_That's when we found this boy,'_

Calling to the Force, Obi-Wan summoned a guitar. A guitar flew from the darkness and into his hand. He began to strum it.

'_Oh my, my, this here Anakin guy_

_Maybe Vader someday later_

_Now he's just a small fry_

_He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye_

_Sayin' soon I'm gonna be a Jedi_

_Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,'_

Obi-Wan picked up the pace; Barry the pianist followed suit.

'_Do you know this junkyard slave_

_Isn't even old enough to shave_

_But he can use the Force they say_

_Uhhh ,do you see him hitting on the Queen_

_Though he's just nine and she's fourteen_

_Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday_

_Well I know he built C-3PO_

_And I heard how fast his pod can go_

_\and we were broke, it's true_

_So we made a wager or two, ooooooohh_

_He was the prepubescent, flyin' ace_

_And the minute Jabba started off that race_

_Well I knew who would win first place_

_Oh yes, it was our boy,'_

'_We started singin'_

_My, my, this here Anakin guy_

_Maybe Vader someday later _

_Now he's just a small fry_

_He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye_

_Sayin' soon I'm gonna be a Jedi_

_Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,'_

'_Now we finally got to Coruscant_

_The Jedi Council we knew would want_

_To see how good the boy could be_

_So we took him there and we told the tale_

_How his midi-chlorians were off the scale_

_And he might fulfill that prophecy_

_Oh, the Council was impressed of course_

_Could he bring balance to the Force?_

_They interviewed the kid_

_Ooohhh, training they forbid_

_Because Yoda sensed in him much fear_

_And Qui-Gon said, 'Now listen here_

_Just stick it in your pointy ears_

_I still… will teach this boy!''_

'_We were singin'_

_My, my, this here Anakin guy_

_Maybe Vader someday later_

_Now he's just a small fry_

_He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye_

_Sayin' soon I'm gonna be a Jedi_

_Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,'_

Obi-Wan and Barry began to slow the rhythm down.

'_We caught a ride back to Naboo_

'_cause Queen Amidala wanted to_

_I've frankly would've liked to stay_

_We all fought in that epic war_

_And it wasn't long at all before_

_Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day_

_In the end some Gungans died_

_Some ships blew up and some pilots fried_

_A lot of folks were croakin'_

_The battle droids were broken_

_And the Jedi I admired most_

_Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast_

_Well I'm still here and he's a ghost_

_I guess…I'll train this boy,'_

'_And I was singin'_

_Oh my, my, this here Anakin guy_

_Maybe Vader someday later_

_Now he's just a small fry_

_He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye_

_Sayin' soon I'm gonna be a Jedi_

_Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,'_

'_We were singin'_

_Oh my, my, this here Anakin guy_

_Maybe Vader someday later_

_Now he's just a small fry_

_He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye_

_Sayin' soon I'm gonna be a Jedi_

_Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi,'_

The audience clapped and cheered for the star. Obi-Wan smiled, causing some female clones to collapse in amazement. 'He's so dreamy!' one of them said. 'Look at that fuzzy yet _arousing _beard of his!' 'General Kenobi! Let me be the mother of your child!'

'Sorry girls,' Obi-Wan said, 'I'm a Jedi and I'm not entitled to marry or fall in love. Anyway, you look like a female version of a man that I killed by beheading him. But still, thanks. Don't forget to check out my Myspace and Friendster pages!' He showed a double thumbs-up, causing another dozen of F-clones to collapse.

At a table far from the stage, Con muttered, 'That Kenobi. Thinks he so great,'

'I think he's dreamy,' Laura said, not taking her eyes off Obi-Wan, who had just taken a seat next to his apprentice.

'Great, now you fallen under his spell,' said Con. He turned to his plate. 'Hey! Who took my chicken?!' Turning to Jep, Con saw a chicken leg sticking out of Jep's full mouth. 'Nawt me,' he managed to say.

'You're lucky today, Jep,' said Con. 'I'm so angry at Kenobi that I can't counter your foolishness. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take more chicken from the buffet table. And maybe lunge a few oranges at Kenobi,'

Kay was surprised he didn't hear anything from Gavin. This was usually the time Gavin would say, 'Watch it, soldier,' or some crap like that. He turned to the squad's leader. 'Shit,' Kay said. 'Gavin's drunk!' All eyes turned to Gavin.

The Sergeant had his eyes crossed, with his tongue lolling out. In one hand he held a blaster gun, while in the other was a bottle of booze. Kay slowly reached towards the blaster. Gavin, drunk and all, noticed it. Before Kay's fingers could touch the blaster, Gavin aimed the nozzle at Kay's face. 'What—what theee fuuuuuck d'you think you're doing, punk?!'

'Sarge,' Kay said cautiously, 'I think it's best you don't hold a gun while you're high,'

'Fuck it!' Gavin then took a large gulp from his bottle. His aim was wavering, but ready to shoot at anything. 'Now—if you don't mind…I want to find myself a Gungan whore of some sort…and get laid underwater!' He stood up, and exited the Center in a I'm-a-drunk-fuck-it kind of way.

The alien host had returned to the microphone. 'Troops, now that we had our food and drink, let's dance your genetically enhanced butts off! Cue the music!' Loud music started blaring from the speakers, the lights went out and suddenly there was highlighted dance floor in the middle of the Center. On the stage, the popular band, the Jawa-Jonas Brothers, began playing their single hit, _Burnin' Up on Tatooine._ Clones poured onto the dance floor, mostly pairs of clones and F-clones. 

Kay remained at the table, finishing his soup. Jep had left with Betty. He saw Laura and Helga make out on the dance floor in the distance. Kay looked at the bottle of alcohol. He had stay away from it or he might end up kissing Jep. He returned to his soup. Damn, the bowl was empty. He lazily got up and walked up to the buffet table. There he saw Con kissing some Jedi Padawan. 'Jeez,' he thought miserably. 'Everybody seem to have a companion, whether homosexual or heterosexual.' He looked at the bowl where they served soup. It was empty. Shaking his head, he just decided to return to the barracks. Maybe save Gavin drowning while having sex if he bumped into him.

The exit of the Center lead him to the Plaza Gardens. As Kay walked upon the laid path, he heard some rustling in the bushes. Instinct told him to lay low. He silently moved toward the source of the sound. He realized it was coming from behind a rather large bush. Slowly parting away the leaves without a noise, a shocking view met his eyes.

There, on the grass, was Obi-Wan Kenobi's pride, Anakin Skywalker. And guess who lay beneath him, returning his passionate tongue-kisses? The Queen of Naboo, Queen Amidala.

HOLY SHIT! This was the scandal of the Republic century!

Kay's thoughts were interrupted as a voice boomed through the PA speakers, _'Invasion alert! Invasion alert! Calling all clone troopers of the Grand Army! Report to Troop Barracks in Galactic City immediately! Prepare for defense and counter-offensive of Separatists' invasion attack over Republic! Invasion—'_

Kay wasted no time at all, running towards the nearest speeder. There was an invasion going on.

**Next; Chapter 6:**

**Dude, Where's The Chancellor?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Oh no! From what you read from the last chapter (and the notification of this chapter's title which is: Dude, Where's the Chancellor?), you should already know that the dreaded Separatists are going to kidnap Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, leader of the Republic. And, of course, we're entering the fateful scenes of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. **

**NOTE: The re-writing of the events of Episode III may be wacky. But then again, this IS a parody.**

Chapter 6

Dude, Where's the Chancellor?

_Supreme Chancellor's Office Building, Coruscant_

The best jobs for the Clone Troopers of the Grand Army of the Republic were on the battlefield. The worst, however, were guard duties (Dear readers, before you ask, yes, clone troopers share the same dilemma of the CIS battle droids.). Stuck as a clone officer guarding the Chancellor's chambers, Duke 101 was complaining to his co-worker.

'Dude! Why the heck we guarding the Chancellor?' said a desperate Duke. 'I want me some shooting! The war is called the _Clone _Wars, ain't it? Why we guarding the Chancellor when it's our war?'

'Dude, I feel you,' said Reggie 102. 'But this is our job. I mean, doesn't it feel great to guard the safety of the Republic's leader?'

'You mean like _bodyguards?'_ scoffed Duke. 'Fuck it, dude. I want some action.'

'OK, once we're off duty, I'll take you to Downtown Coruscant. There's a Twi'lek hooker who gives the best—'

'Reggie, you dumbass!' said Duke, before Reggie could finish his sentence. 'I don't want that kind of action! I want to shoot something!'

'You might get the chance,' whispered Reggie as a tall, cloaked figure approached them.

'Sorry dude,' barked Duke. 'No one is authorized to see the Chancellor. Make an appointment and see him after the weekly Senate meeting.'

The stranger did not reply, but he stood where he was. Reggie took a step closer. Duke was already fingering his blaster on his belt. 'Sir,' Reggie said, looking straight into the stranger's face, darkened by a hood, 'Please leave, now.'

The stranger replied, 'Die, fuckers.' The stranger threw out his arms. Duke's eyes went wide within his visor as the stranger was holding lightsabers in both hands—no, claws, Duke noticed. The lightsabers ignited with a buzz, and the stranger swiped at Reggie. With a strangled cry, Reggie's head flew into the air.

'REGGIE!' Duke had taken out his blaster, and fired at the unknown assailant. The stranger easily deflected the two shots with his lightsabers. As he moved to the defense stance, the stranger's hood fell down, and revealed his face. 'Holy crap it's General Grievous!' Duke exclaimed. Grievous slashed at him. Duke rolled over, avoiding the deadly attack. He got up, and ran towards the emergency alert system.

'You can't do that, yo!' roared Grievous. 'That gonna blow my cover!' Quick as lightning, Grievous's foot rose and grappled at Duke's chest. His claws sank deep into Duke's flesh, breaking his armor. Turning around, Grievous slammed Duke at the doors which led to the Chancellor's chambers. The doors broke upon impact. Duke was lying on the ground, covered by pieces of the doors. Blood was oozing from the holes in his chest caused by Grievous's claws.

Duke still had his hand on his blaster. He slowly aimed at Grievous. But the General suddenly grew a third arm and it the third hand was his own blaster. The last thing Duke saw was a flash, and he was dead. Though he was able to say one second before he died, 'SHIT.' The General turned to the Chancellor, who had been watching, face now white with fright.

'Wassup, Chancellor. I'm General Grievous and I'll be your official kidnapper for today, BITCH.'

--

_Jedi Temple, Coruscant_

Obi-Wan Kenobi and his apprentice, Anakin Skywalker were walking up the steps of the Jedi Temple. They had been summoned by the Jedi Council for an urgent matter. Obi-Wan, as usual, was being followed by a crowd of fans. 'Mr Kenobi! I love you!' 'Obi-Wan, marry me!' 'Oh, Obi-Wan, fu—'

The crazy fans were silenced by a sudden Force wave. The whole crowd flew into the air, while the fan who wanted to marry Obi-Wan crashed into a speeder. Obi-Wan's and Anakin's heads turned. Mace Windu was coming from the entrance. 'Obi-Wan, how many times have I told you to come here in a fucking private limo-speeder? You see that bitch who wanted to F-word you? It'll be bad influence for the Padawans!'

'Sorry, Mace,' said Obi-Wan, waving at the injured, yet never wavering, crowd of his bleeding fans. 'But I can't afford a limo-speeder! You know how much they cost nowadays?'

'What happen to all that money you won from the Jedi Academy Awards?' asked Windu.

'Err…let's just say Anakin wanted to see some strippers…'

'Master!' said Anakin. 'You were the one who wanted to go to that Twi'lek Strip Club downtown!'

'Master Kenobi, I'm disappointed!' said an angry Mace Windu.

'Oh pish-posh, Mace! You think I don't know you hire a clone trooper on off-duty to buy you some cheap porno holo-videos from a video store?'

'Shhhsshh!' whispered Windu. 'The others will hear!'

'Sheesh, what's with sex-crazed Jedi nowadays?' asked Anakin.

To which Windu and Kenobi replied, 'Quiet, boy! You know nothing!'

The two Jedi Masters settled to keep quiet about each other's affairs as they approached the Council Chamber. Mace Windu opened the doors for them and Anakin and Obi Wan entered. 'Masters,' Anakin knelt in front of the Council members.

'Fellows,' Obi Wan greeted.

'Uh, Obi Wan,' Plo Koon said, 'You're supposed to kneel as well.'

'What are you talking about? I am a Jedi Council member, aren't I?' Obi Wan mused.

'Actually, expired three days ago, your membership. Didn't pay for this month's fee.' Yoda said, from another end of a holo-link receiver.

'WHAT?' Obi Wan exclaimed. 'I have to _pay _to become a Council member?'

'Yes,' replied Shaak Ti. 'It isn't that hard. You can log into the Internet and pay using PayPal or Visa. Just pay the Jedi Council's official website.'

'I thought you had to earn being a Council member through honor and valor!'

'Says the Jedi who won the Jedi Academy Awards because of his single hit song!' mocked Windu. 'Anyway, you do have to earn membership through all those crappy stuff, but it only gives you free-of-charge membership for twenty days. Then, you have to pay.'

'So if I pay now, my membership will be restored?'

'Nope,' declined Ki Adi Mundi. 'You have to go through all that honor and valor stuff all over again. So, now, kneel.'

'Fuck,' Anakin heard Obi Wan whisper as he knelt with him. 'It's damn easier signing up for a porn website!'

'Now, Kenobi, Skywalker,' Windu called upon them. 'We have called upon you for an urgent matter. The Supreme Chancellor—Palpatine has been kidnapped hours ago by General Grievous. He is attempting to escape, but the 501st Legion is in Coruscant orbit, trying to halt his escape. You have been chosen amongst others because you are the most accomplished Jedi ever to be seen in the galaxy's history. You must now intercept Grievous's ship, the _Fuckadoodle _and save the Chancellors. Republic Intel has also indicated that Count Dooku may be onboard the ship. Capture him and Grievous as well, and it may end the Clone Wars. Are we clear?'

'Yes masters,' both of them replied.

Windu nodded and said, 'Now go, time's a-wasting.'

--

_Republic Star Destroyer _Backstabber, _Coruscant orbit_

'Well whaddaya know?' Jep said cheerfully. 'We've been promoted to Clone Marines!'

'That was an emergency promotion, Private 950,' snapped General Starr. 'You know full that the Chancellor has been kidnapped and we need all the help we can get.'

Helga was pretty excited about battle in space. 'Wicked! I was always wanted to blow up a CIS cruiser!'

'Hey, where's Betty?' Jep asked, only realizing that Betty wasn't with them in the debriefing room with the rest of the clone marines.

'What kind of a boyfriend are you?' Laura sneered. 'You don't even know she has a clone pilot status. She's with the other pilots.'

Jep smiled. It was true; he and Betty were now dating. Well, they didn't have an official date yet. Nevertheless, they had decided on it during the party at the Plaza Center. They had danced on the floor, then kissed passionately. He sighed, regretting he didn't make the move earlier because soon after their lips had locked together, the emergency alert was on, and everybody had to scramble to their posts.

'Marines!' Starr suddenly called to all of them. 'Settle down! The commander of the _Backstabber_, Commander Quan will explain the matter of this mission to you. Pay close attention!'

Commander Quan was a short, stocky man with a bald head, and a very thick graying mustache. As the marines had their helmets off, they squinted their eyes as light was reflected of Quan's shiny scalp. 'Marines! You all know the situation! The Supreme Chancellor has been kidnapped by General Grievous of the CIS as a down-and-dirty, last resort. Now, boys—and girls—we're very close to winning this war. But we can't we win the Clone Wars when our leader is missing. I've received confirmations that two Jedi Knights are heading to the General's cruiser, attempting to extract the Chancellor. Your job is to invade the two smaller battle cruisers that are blocking the Jedi and our pilots' efforts to intercept Grievous's ship, the _Fuckadoodle. _Do the Republic proud, men! And women! Now go! The gunships are already waiting for you in the landing bay!'

--

_Still in the vacuum of space above Coruscant, folks_

Obi Wan Kenobi was very angry at that moment, piloting the Republic starfighter. On his starfighter's port was his apprentice's own. Both of them were executing the mission the Council assigned them to. 'Fucking Council members,' Obi-Wan mumbled to himself. 'I have to pay? What kind of Jedi Council was that? And that bastard Mace Windu—the smile on his face when I found out that I was kicked out of the Council—WHOA!' he cried as a droid starfighter almost got him.

'Anakin!' he called into the intercom. 'Anakin!'

Meanwhile, Anakin was busy using the toll-free line the starfighter's intercom provided. 'Yeah, I know, Jim. I bought that lawn mower too! Great ad I saw in the holo-news, but when you buy it, it's like totally fucked up…you're kidding? You even got the free PlayStation XXX? And it didn't work? I told you a hundred times Japanese goods are no good at all! Hey hold on Jim—I got another incoming call here—aw, crap, it's my Master…not my sex master you asshole…what do you think I am? A sex slave? OK, talk to you later, pal....'

'Anakin! For the Force's sake, Anakin, answer me!' Obi Wan almost screamed into his intercom.

'Master?' Anakin's voice came through. 'You called?'

'You've been using the intercom haven't you?' asked Obi Wan.

'Relax, Master. It's free,'

'It's not! I have to pay for it! Every time we rent this fighters I have to pay for it! And all the other stuff including the intercom bills and the beer in the mini-fridge! You didn't drink up all the beer, did you?'

Anakin quietly closed the starfighter's mini-fridge, which consisted of a dozen of empty beer cans. 'No. You know me, Master. I never drink and drive.'

**Please review, folks! **

**Next, Chapter 7:**

**Fuck! I Loved That Hand!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the late chapter, folks. Enjoy the latest chapter of FEMALE Clones.**

Chapter 7

Fuck! I Loved That Hand!

'Attention all clone personnel! The first frigate defense is destroyed!'

That was a relief. For the Jedi rescuers, at least. For the detachment of the 501st on the second frigate defense, it was hell. The droids were putting up quite a fight. General Vector Starr, at that moment was slashing madly at a bunch of droids when his comlink beeped. He quickly answered it by setting it on loudspeaker. 'Yes, General Starr here.'

'Mr Starr, this is Celebrity Scandal weekly. We've called to inform you that your membership in the Dirty Section has been terminated. We'll be forcefully removing all the holo-videos and holograms you downloaded into your databank. Thank you for joining us and please, sign up again!'

'WHAT?!?' said a bewildered Starr, viciously cutting up a droid's blaster arm.

'I'm just joking, sir, this is Jep,' laughed Jep over the comlink.

'Trooper, I will make sure you are suspended in animation until the Clone Wars come to an end after this—'

'Right to the matter, sir, Berserk Squad, along with Grip Squad has arrived at the engines room. Orders?'

'What do you think? Destroy the engines! Do it quick, I'll be signaling for extraction. The droids just shelled our drop off transport.' Starr gave one final hack, and the last large Super Battle Droid collapsed in halves. He deactivated his lightsaber just as Jep said, 'Confirmed. Trooper out,'

Starr sighed. He was relieved that their mission was almost at an end. But also he was relieved his membership at Celebrity Scandal hasn't been terminated…

--

Trickster gave a few more taps to the datapad in front of him and said, 'Slicing complete!'

The door of the engines room opened. A putrid smell of smoke and oil greeted Berserk and Grip Squads' noses; even in their helmets.

'Well done, Trickster,' Vinn, the leader of Grip Squad said. 'Squads, move in,'

'Hey, hey, Vinn, I _order _my squad around, not you,' Gavin said angrily.

'Look, pal, I'm just tryin' to get to the mission done here!' Vinn retorted back.

'Sarge, please, let's just go and destroy the engines!' Con pleadingly requested.

'Fine. Berserk Squad, move in.'

'Grip Squad, move in.'

--

It took the combined efforts of both Jep and Trickster to destroy the engines. They can't exactly destroy it, or the explosion might engulf both CIS and Republic forces. The smartest way to do it was to disable the engines, thereby giving the troops time to evacuate the ship before it loses control and floats in space like vacuum junk. However, the engines mainframe had an impressive firewall, beating back every splicing attack sent out by Jep and Trickster.

_Your splicing attempt has been foiled by the CIS Kaspersky Anti-Hack Security system, _the mainframe shot back as Jep failed his latest splice. _Would you like to review the history of this ground-breaking Anti-Hack Security system developed by CIS Kaspersky?_

'No you stupid—' Jep slammed the datapad.

'Great, we got one heck of a firewall here,' commented Blitz, one of Grip Squad's.

'We can plant an explosive,' Kay suggested.

'Yeah, and the whole lot on this ship gets blasted into hell,' snapped Laura.

'No, what I meant was we plant a _time _bomb. Then we gather the boys and get out of here.'

'Good point, Kay.' Gavin said. 'How long can you set it?'

'I think with the latest gear Quan's armory provided me, about 10 minutes,' replied Kay. 'But we have to move fast.'

'The Jedi can't wait any longer to save the Chancellor.' Gavin put a hand on Kay's shoulder. 'Set it up. Jep, contact Starr and tell him to move his ass and the others' asses as well.'

'Yes, sir!'

'We've got a fucked-up time schedule to follow,'

--

The stupid clones! One moment ago, one of his troops contacted him and said they had to move fast—because a time bomb was set to explode. What the hell were they thinking about? This wasn't a warship—it's just a simple armed cruiser. Warships, of course, could handle with destroyed engines, but weak cruisers like this—would be blown to smithereens when the bomb goes off. He had ordered a very thin rank to set up defense while he supervised the loading of the retreating clone troopers. The droids were thunderously shooting at them, thinking they had achieved imminent victory.

'Come on!' Starr roared, kicking the backside of a clone into a gunship. 'You're a soldier, not an old lady!'

'Yes sir!' gasped the trooper, rubbing his ass.

Then Starr saw them—the men and women who had planted the bomb. As they climbed into the warship, Starr hissed, 'You will be tried in marshal court, troopers! Mark my words!'

'With all due respect, sir, mark my words,' replied Con. 'We're just property of the Republic. You can't sue Republic property!'

Shit. That clone trooper was as witty as a Coruscant lawyer. He let his curses fade away as he ushered the last of the soldiers into the gunship. 'Pilot! Take us out!' Starr yelled, realizing that this gunship was the last to leave the cruiser. The shields served as protectors from the droids' blasterfire.

'Three..two..one!' Kay whispered, as the gunship soared into the inky black space.

There was a boom within the ship. At first, it yielded nothing than a mere quake. Then it erupted. Blazing flames exploded from the vents, the walls, eating everything in its way. A massive death cloud unleashed itself upon the surprised droids. Cries from the clankers were heard and explosions rocked the ship, before it broke the cruiser in two…

The last frigate defense was destroyed. The Jedi's path was clear.

--

Every time Anakin saw Commander Quan's face, he always laughed. The guy was short, and he had a shiny, round and bald head. He'd swear even Threepio's head isn't shiny as Quan. Anakin had to stifle his laugh as the commander's face appeared in the fighter's holo-receiver.

'Generals Kenobi and Skywalker,' barked the commander, saluting. Anakin thought he saw a uniformed clone technician in the background cover his eyes suddenly as light was reflected from Quan's scalp. 'The frigate defenses have been destroyed. You are clear to engage Grievous's warship. Blue and Pink Squadron are taking off to serve as your escort.

Anakin heard his Master's voice of gratitude to Quan. Moments later, after a disastrous crash into Grievous's ship, they moved in to save the Chancellor.

--

Hours later, Anakin swore through the Force. Shit. Obi-Wan was down, and he was up against Count Dooku alone. The Sith Lord was intent on making sure the Chancellor, energy-cuffed on a chair, never escaped.

'Give in to your anger, Skywalker!' said Dooku for the umpteenth time.

'No wonder you Sith died out so fast!' commented Anakin. 'C'mon, lure me into the dark side using something else. The 'give in to your anger' thing is way outdated,'

Caught by surprise because of the comment, the Sith Lord lost focus and Anakin swiped his lightsaber. A flash went through Dooku's hand. One old and wrinkled hand flopped to the ground.

'Fuck! I loved that hand!'

Anakin slashed again.

'Double fuck! I loved that hand too!' Dooku knelt in front of Anakin as the Jedi seized his weapon and held the blades at Dooku's neck.

'Good, Anakin, good!' chided in Palpatine. 'Now kill him,'

'Fine by me,' and Anakin slashed for the final time, ending the Sith Lord's reign of terror. Anakin proceeded to release the Chancellor and went to relieve Obi-Wan from under the balcony Dooku collapsed on him. Together, they exited the room.

--

The Jedi rescuers did a very bold thing, Kay heard, now safely aboard a gunship heading back to Coruscant. The battle was over, and the CIS fleet was dispersing. The original Clone Marines were taking care of the leftovers. The buzz of the excitement in the 501st was that after Grievous escaped the ship, taking the final escape pod, the Jedi had miraculously piloted Grievous's malfunctioning ship and safely landed it on Coruscant. And they survived. Imagine that. A broken warship managed to survive entering a planet's atmosphere. Either the Jedi were stupid, or really courageous.

There was also a rumor among the troops. It was said that the Senate was on the edge of unleashing Order 66. Now if Kay remembered correctly, Order 66 was an emergency contingency order to eliminate the whole Jedi organization if the Force-users went traitorous. But Kay knew better than to listen to rumors.

But the idea of shooting Vector Starr in the head (or possibly, the balls) was pretty tempting.

**Surely you've realized…the end, crazy and maddening as it may be, is coming…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Dun-dun-dun…the end of the road is getting nearer…beware! Don't wet your underpants! And I got new OCs for you— tough-as-nails hard-bred commandos!**

Chapter 8

Black and Pink Ops

The head of the Female Clones project was brilliant and chubby-breasted Kaminoan Fa-Ti Bich (pronounced 'bitch', everybody). It was her idea that the Kamino cloning facilities should provide female troops for the Grand Army. Though the project was halted after its sudden meltdown, Fa-Ti Bich and her team of genetic engineers were still at work, consulting their female soldiers in action. The Republic strongly disagreed with this, since the expensive payment was from the budget pocket.

Tonight, on the watery world of Kamino, Fa-Ti Bich was having a meeting with her colleagues.

'Madame Bich,' said Uno Deeck, the only male in the team, 'Phase One has gone perfectly well.'

'Good, good,' chided Bich. 'It will be a matter of time before Chancellor Hairy-Balls will turn the Republic against the Jedi.'

Way Ward-Pusey stood up. 'But Madame, what makes you so sure that Palpatine will do so?'

Bich turned quickly to Ward-Pusey, her salami-like boobs wobbling with every bodily movement. 'Wait and see, Pusey. I am always right. Once the Jedi are finished, Palpatine will quickly rid of us since he has his own cloning facilities. That is the time when Phase Two will take place. The Female Clones will abandon the order to kill the Jedi and join our world which is not military-defended.'

Nerdo Worm-O, the geek of the team shook her head. 'Madame, based on my calculations by the time Palpatine will attack us, the female clones will be reduced to only five hundred thousand plus.'

'That's half of what we cloned!' exclaimed Deeck.

'Don't worry, my friends,' Bich said, nodding her fat-infested head. 'We Kaminoans are known for taking risks.'

--

'_Attention all troops—do you want to party?!?' _shouted the command voice from the PA system.

'YES!' the troopers that filled the hangar bay of the _Backstabber _responded.

'_Well, too bad, 'cos you can't! The Republic capital is being attacked. All active troops will be deployed on Coruscant. That's rite, fools, get your asses out of the mess hall, the drop off gunships are waiting for you! These are Commander Quan's orders.'_

'Lousy bald-headed bastard,' cursed Kay. His arms were sore, and his fingers were stuck in trigger-pulling stance, even though his blaster was out of his hand. He was hungry and he looked forward to the rations the mess hall was going to give him. Shit—back to duty.

'C'mon squad,' called Gavin. He yawned automatically in his helmet. Berserk Squad hadn't slept in thirty-six standard hours. 'Our gunship is over there.'

Slowly, the squad began filling the gunship. Starr joined them shortly after.

'So, sir,' said Con, checking his sniper scope, 'what's happening on the planet?'

'Republic Intel has reported that after Grievous fled his warship, the droids were clueless on what to do next. So now they've decided to attack Coruscant.' Starr replied shortly.

'What, they're crazy?' scoffed Jep.

'I have to agree with dickhead here,' said Linda. 'I mean, we already beat them. It's like they're asking a death sentence.'

'Do not underestimate them,' warned Starr, displaying his Jedi wisdom which the squad obviously did not notice. 'The defensive measures on Coruscant were surprised as well. The staff failed to activate the secondary defensive system and now half the droid army is on Coruscant. Jedi are already on the way there and since the marines are taking care of the things up here, we're being sent to assist the Jedi.'

'Huh, with the Jedi, it would all be over in three minutes, without our help,' said Con.

--

'_Commando two-zero-nine-three, this is your advisor. I will be your personal tactician. Be aware, commando, your success in this mission will be vital. If not, the Republic will lose Coruscant.'_

'You're just saying that to make me feel important, advisor. You and I know I'm just going to disable a droid bunker.'

'_Sorry. Old habits die hard. I've been doing that since I started with my first commando squad on Geonosis. Ah, I remember Theta Squad.'_

'Didn't they get killed because of tactical misinformation?'

'_Err…ok, the mission objectives. You must infiltrate the droid bunker, disable the systems, and plant a pointer for aerial strike. I will be monitoring your progress. Advisor out.'_

Jamie was an elite commando clone, bred from the best stock of Jango Fett. His armor was heavier than a normal trooper and he had a powerful DC-17 blaster, sniper and anti-armor attachment and a pack of various detonators. Jamie was a one-army man. He had been deployed in the destroyed streets of Coruscant and was assigned to destroy a droid bunker. It might seem a lot for a clone trooper, entering enemy territory without back-up, but Jamie was a commando and his chances of survival were high—even with a sadly misinformed advising tactician.

'Ok, advisor, approaching bunker entrance. Ooh—spotted two super battle droids.' Jamie whispered into his helmet link, crouching low behind a chunk of debris.

'_Nine-three, I advise you to enter silently. We don't want a welcome party for you. Throw an electro-stun grenade. That should shut the SBDs up,'_

'Yeah, I knew that. Just wanted to see if you knew your stuff or I should straight away write a will,' chuckled Jamie, extracting an electro-stun grenade. He briefly rose from his hidey-hole and lunged the grenade. The grenade popped slightly on the ground. The SBDs looked at it. Suddenly the grenade exploded, unleashing electrical tendrils which wrapped themselves around the SBDs. The SBDs stood motionless for a while, and then clanked to the ground.

Jamie walked to the door. It was locked. He studied the controls next to it. He tried to open the door, but a password was needed to allow it. 'Advisor, mind hacking into the system for me?'

'_Screw you, commando. Do it yourself. You're supposed to be trained in all kinds of tech-hacking.' _Snapped the advisor.

'Ok, ok,' said Jamie, tapping the controls. 'No need to get uptight. A tap here…ooh, another tap there and…we're clear. This is commando two-zero-nine-three, I've successfully infiltrated the droid bunker. Beginning secondary objective. Nine-three out,'

'_Don't get killed, nine-three. I have a reputation for a bad advisor already.'_

--

Unknown to Jamie, a second commando was sent into the same sector with different objectives.

'_Welcome to the battlefield, female clone commando one-one-zero-four. I am your advisor, and I will be helping you with your objectives.'_

'Glad to have you, advisor.' Nia responded. 'What are my primary objectives?'

'_You will be assisting another commando in the area, zero-four. He is currently infiltrating a droid bunker not far from here. However, a silent alarm has been triggered and the main droid forces are heading toward the bunker. You must delay them, zero-four, while your brother destroys the bunker. Your secondary objective is to rendezvous with the other commando. You will receive your next assignment then. For now, destroy the incoming droid forces. It won't be tough for you. My sources confirm that there are no SBDs in the reinforcements. You will be facing plain battle droids, zero-four. Good luck. Advisor out.'_

'Alright, Nia. Time to see if the simulators did the trick,' Nia said to herself.

--

Berserk Squad was deployed in sector V Triple 8, one of Coruscant's many slum pits. The sector was completely ravaged—as though a barbaric armada just stormed through the streets. Many bodies lied around, stained in blood; most of them clone troopers.

'Damn,' swore Kay.

'Our mission is simple, guys,' said Gavin, walking along the street. 'Meet up with defending forces in this sector.'

'How come we're dropped off a thousand clicks away from the rendezvous point?' Jep said.

'The clone pilot said something about too much enemy fire.' Gavin replied. 'And that we're with some special units.'

They traversed a few clicks deeper into the heart of the black slum, encountering more dead bodies. Betty leaned closer to Jep. 'Hey,' Betty said.

'Hey,' replied Jep softly.

'Um…Jep…what do you want to do when the war's over?'

Kay, who was walking closely behind them, smiled within his helmet. Betty was already asking for commitment. Good thing Jep already prepared a ring a few weeks ago after the Battle of Kashyyyk. Jep had asked Kay to ask help from a Jedi friend to acquire him a lightsaber crystal. When Kay had delivered him the crystal, Jep had used his underground contact to mold the crystal into a gold-laced solid durasteel ring. It was the perfect engagement ring. Kay wondered if Jep was going to propose on the spot.

'I don't know, Betty.' Jep answered briefly. Kay saw Jep's hand move toward his belt where the ring was kept at all times. Then, Jep withdrew his hand. 'What do you want to do?'

'Well…I always want to go to Corellia…I heard the icy weather is perfect for…you know… bodily heat.' Betty giggled, and Jep smiled. It was one of his rare sincere smiles.

'Squad, defensive positions, enemy ahead,' called Gavin. The squad ducked into cover as the droids' metallic footsteps' sounds grew in the distance. 'Anyone wants the first strike?'

Con enthusiastically volunteered. He got up and lobbed a thermal detonator at the droids. The detonator landed with a _thunk_ and then exploded. The rank of droids screamed, a violent explosion consuming them all. Only a few droids survived, but they were again caught by surprise. Berserk Squad emerged from cover and delivered a barrage of blaster fire. The droids didn't have time to pull their triggers as ferocious plasma bolts tore their bodies.

'Threat eliminated,' Helga reported, reloading her Decee.

'Not yet.' Linda said, pointing towards the pile of smoke. Three droid destroyers revealed themselves and unfurled into battle mode, with their shields active. They began to fire. Berserk Squad again moved into cover.

However, luck was not on Helga's side. Before she could get behind a rock, a plasma bolt hit her square in the back. She screamed like a gorilla, but was silenced when more blaster fire blazed her back. Gathering her final ounce of strength, she turned around with two thermal detonators in her hand. Like a mad bitch, she roared and ran toward the destroyers, ignoring the plasma bolts pounding on her chests.

'_Helga you crazy bitch, NO!'_ Linda shouted behind a pile of debris. But she was too late. Another explosion took place, and the destroyers disappeared in a cloud of fire, with Helga with them. When the smoke disappeared, two destroyers were barely standing. The third was scattered around like litter—but droid parts were not the only things scattered. There were also human body parts.

Con could have betted his soul to the Sith that they belonged to Helga.

'Shit,' Gavin swore. The destroyers began to fire again.

'Sarge, it's not looking good.' Jep said. 'The droidekas' shields seem to be functioning perfectly. Either we need a new plan, or another kamikaze bomber.' Betty gave Jep a hard slap on the helmet for that comment.

'Kay, anymore projectile explosives?' asked Gavin.

'Sorry, Gavin. I got proximity mines and timed detonators only.'

'What the fuck are we going—' Con was silenced as the squad saw a figure appear behind the unnoticing destroyers. Silently, the figure ejected a vibroblade and stabbed the first destroyer's shields, which immediately faltered. The figure took another stab, right into the droid's neck. The second droid turned to see its comrade being slashed. But the figure had already taken control of the first and turned its blaster at the second. At the last second, the figure jumped out of the way as the two droids fired each other, which resulted in another explosion.

Their savior replaced back the vibroblade. 'Who the heck—' but Kay did not finish his sentence as the clone commando gave a reply.

'I'm RC-one-one-zero-four. Just call me Nia.' The clone commando said. 'I knew there was another commando in this sector, but I didn't think I'd meet a clone trooper squad!'

**You must be asking yourselves these questions.**

**Will Jamie succeed in disabling the droid bunker?**

**Will the members of Berserk Squad (especially Gavin) accept the leadership of a clone commando?**

**Why did the writer make such a poor death scene of Helga?**

**Coming to your computer screens soon, FEMALE Clones Chapter 9! Thanks, folks!  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the late chapter, folks. My PC's hard drive melted—literally. Well, more of a meltdown. Too many computer games. Anyway, enjoy the latest chapter.**

Chapter 9

Secrets, secrets, secrets…

Air assault finally arrived and within seconds, the droid bunker was nothing more but a pile of smoking metal. Jamie waved at the air support, waiting for them to pick him up. To his surprise, they ignored him.

'_Your mission isn't done yet, Nine-three.' _His advisor's voice said through his helmet's comlink. _'Your next objective is to reactivate the Third Frontier AA system. A hundred and fifty clicks south of your position. Pick up the pace, nine-three. The boys in orbit are counting on you.'_

'Oh yeah, everyone is counting on the commando,' muttered Jamie, walking through the destroyed battlefield.

--

'These new guns,' Kay said, gunning down a battle droid, 'what are they called again?'

'Assault Carbines,' grunted Gavin. 'they're pretty much the same as the Decees, but these babies have rapid fire.'

'And, more compact,' chided in Con, throwing an EMP grenade, which exploded beyond their temporary barricade. The droids in front of them yelled like cheap bitches. Nia, the commando, snapped at them.

'Less talking, more shooting.'

Gavin grimaced. The droid rank began thinning as more of the cheap Federation metal burst and exploded to the Assault Carbines' lash of firepower. Several droids began retreating, but Nia had another idea. From her multi-purpose belt, she extracted a grenade launcher attachment and stuck it to her DC-17. 'Burn in hell,' she hissed, as she pulled the trigger. The droids screamed, disappearing in an explosion.

'Nice,' commented Jep, reloading his weapon. Again, Gavin grimaced under his helmet.

Nia began tapping on her wrist datapad. 'Advisor, droid forces are eliminated. Further orders, please.' A small voice replied, _'Move to the Third Frontier AA Control Bay. Commando two-zero-nine-three will meet you there.'_

'Boys,' Nia said, looking at them all, 'and girls. Let's move out.'

--

Assault Droid Bob 111 walked slowly in front of the Control Bay entrance. He was very bored. A few hours ago, his superior had left along with a battalion of battle droids to assist other forces in the sector. He had left a handful of droids, including Bob, to guard the bay. It was his turn to take the guard shift at the entrance, while the others are probably charging their electronic butts inside the cool, comfortable, air-conditioned Control Bay. Bob, on the other hand, was left outside, where the weather was very hot and stuffy. He could have sworn his oil supply was bubbling inside of him. How he longed for his old domain in the Droid Control Ship in the orbit now.

A hand suddenly shot from behind him, grabbing him, and twisting his head violently. A snap was heard before his whole body shut down.

Jamie breathed silently, though he knew no one could hear him inside his air-tight sealed helmet. His hand moved to what he thought was the key card to the locked entrance in front of him. He looked at the small key card-like object, then threw it away disgustedly. On the card was a tiny advertisement. _'Feeling weak? Girlfriend not satisfied? Well, you're in luck, friend. Call us at the ROBOT-Getter-Upper and we'll guarantee you'll have a steel hard-on! Literally! Please call XXX-XXX.'_

What the heck were the droids watching on the Holo-Net nowadays? Jamie grabbed the real key card and unlocked the entrance. Cocking his gun, he entered. Damn, he was going to have nightmares about robotic dicks for two weeks after this.

--

Jedi Master Kit Fisto was assigned to tail Dark Jedi Asajj Ventress when Republic Intel reported that Ventress was going back to Geonosis to retrieve something important. It must have been something important since Geonosis was now a claimed Republic world. But what was expected to be a stakeout turned out to be a fierce in-space dogfight battle.

'Yo, man!' cried Fisto, as a laser beam scorched the side of his starfighter. 'I just bought this star fighter!'

'Buzz off, you Jamaican Jedi!' screamed Ventress, gunning Fisto, who swerved to the right, unleashing a couple of proton torpedoes. 'SHIT!' Ventress managed to dodge one missile, but the other got her square on her ride's engines. Her starfighter spun out of control, falling into the atmosphere of Geonosis.

'Take that, you bald-headed bitch!' laughed Fisto. Too engrossed in the comedy, he didn't see the spiteful Sith fire his starfighter. The front part of Fisto's fighter exploded, but did not harm the Jedi Master. However, he too, fell to Geonosis.

There was a great sandstorm when they both landed with painful impact.

--

Berserk Squad had big surprise when they were just half a mile to the bay. Blitz, of Grip Squad, showed himself to them, weakened and wounded.

'Blitz?' Kay gasped, rushing to the clone, who quickly fell on his knees.

'Hey guys,' he croaked.

'What the hell happened to you?' Betty asked. 'Where's the rest of your squad?'

'Your lead is probably busy being a boss in another squad,' sneered Gavin, which earned him a shoulder punch from Betty.

'Dead,' Blitz replied, causing Berserk Squad to gasp. Only Nia remained motionless. 'Killed by Magna droids. There were four squads…and only two of those dudes. Slaughter happened in seven minutes. They were all gone, except me. I put up a fight, got hurt, and ran. Nearly didn't make it.'

'Great,' said Nia. 'The last thing we need here is Grievous's private bodyguards.'

'That may be the last thing we may ever _see_,' Laura cried, pointing ahead of them. Two MagnaGuards walked toward them, energy staffs blazing with electricity powerful enough to kill.

'TAKE COVER!'

--

The last of the droids fell to the ground. Jamie wasted no time and began tapping on the mainframe. After several minutes, there was a beep and a confirmation message telling Jamie that the Third Frontier AA guns were online, and were already shooting down enemy ships in orbit. He entertained himself, watching a massive Banking Clan frigate explode in space.

'_Heads up, nine-three. Incoming droid forces on your position.'_

'No problem, advisor,' Jamie assured his superior.

'_This is _not_ to be taken lightly, commando. The droid numbers are huge, and they manage to avoid the firepower of the AA guns. Barricade yourself in the Control Bay and activate every single defensive measure if you want to ensure your survival.' _

'Well, that's just _dandy_,' muttered Jamie.

--

The Magna droids were armed with mortar launchers and buzzing double-ended electro-staffs. Kay had heard, even commandos had trouble trying to stay alive with the elite droids. Heck, even Jedi had a hard time trying to beat these guys. Their job was tough—they had to defeat these Magna droids and at the same time protect Blitz, who was badly injured.

Nia had told them to keep a safe distance while she tried to get an opening so that the Magna droids would be open to fire. She was only armed with her vibroblade. She had her blaster, but they all knew these droids would just deflect the shots with their electro-staffs.

'Well lookie here, Magna One,' chuckled one droid. 'It's a whole shebang of these clones,'

Magna One joined in the laughter. 'We also got one o' those fancy commandos, Magna Two!'

In a flash, the Magna droids whipped out their electro-staffs, and toyed around with Nia. 'Oh, the commando's bein' played,'

Nia moved quickly, dodged the swing of Magna Two's electro-staff, and buried her vibroblade into the droid's throat. Oil and sparks flew out, and Magna Two fell to the ground.

_Damn! _Kay thought.

'You friggin' bitch!' cried Magna One. 'Magna Two was my brother, he was! I'm gonna make you pay, little girl!' he put away his staff and drew his mortar launcher. He fired, and the mortar exploded in Nia's chest. The female commando lay on the ground, her breast plate smoking.

'Take that!' shouted Magna One. 'I'm gonna cut you up, girl, and chop off your head, stick it on a pole for all your brothers and sisters to see—' his sentence was ended when Con took out his commando pistol and blasted Magna One's head. Magna One joined Magna Two in death.

Berserk Squad quickly surrounded Nia.

--

For his vacation, Fisto was going nowhere near a beach. He had enough of sand. It blinded him, and clouded his nostrils. He was an underwater sentient, for the Force's sake! But one thing mystified him. Ventress' mission must have been so important until she had to sneak on a Republic-claimed world. However, it seemed to him, the part where he was deserted, was a piece of land the clone troopers haven't scouted yet.

He was only accompanied by the music his MP3 was providing.

'_I'm steppin' into the sand…_

_And I'm tryin' to keep from fallin' over…_

_Baby, who turned the temperature higher?_

_Coz I'm burnin' up, _

_Burnin' up on Tatooine!'_

The attack was quick, and the sudden burst of rocking music alerted him. The red blade swung right at him, from within a cloud of sand. Fisto would have had his head on a plate at a sushi bar if he didn't react by activating his green lightsaber. A buzz filled the sandy air as the lightsabers clashed.

Fisto squinted his eyes, and saw the vague figure of Ventress in the sandstorm, ready to activate her second lightsaber. He concentrated, and a furious power exploded within him, beyond him, causing sand and Ventress to be blown away, in a maelstrom of Force wave.

'Your pathetic Jedi Order will fall!' screamed the bald lady, landing on her feet.

'Shut up, woman, and fight!' said Fisto, charging toward Ventress, blade ready.

But Ventress was backing up, disabling her lightsaber. Fisto felt a surge of the Force Ventress was drawing on, as the sand clouds obscured the Dark Jedi from Fisto's view.

Fisto cursed a thousand curses and deactivated his lightsaber. He tried to locate Ventress' dark energy that surrounded her, but to no avail.

Hey-ho, the search begins.

--

Squads 1 and 2 had ten battle droids each. So, twenty droids were marching toward the Third Frontier AA Control Bay. And the only defense the Bay had was a commando, who had barricaded himself deep inside the Bay, after activating all auto turrets. But he had a feeling the turrets won't stand against the droids. What Jamie needed now was goddamned ion cannon. That'll clear things up.

He looked at the observation screen. Squads 1 and 2 were backed up by several Super Battle Droids. And all of the SBDs had their wrist rockets drawn. The auto turrets began firing. A couple of droidekas crawled forward, shield deflecting the blaster fire. They unleashed a volley of blaster bolts that instantly tore through the turrets.

The SBDs were up next, firing their rockets. The rockets caused quite a stir, and Jamie himself could feel the impact. When the smoke cleared, Jamie was glad that the durasteel double doors still held. Barely. A few more rockets and they'd be in the clear.

Jamie checked his ammo supply. There were exactly 132 rounds in his blaster, a couple of grenades, 6 sniper rounds and an electro-stun grenade. He had his commando pistol and his vibroblade, but those would be useless against a battalion of droids. He sighed heavily, and walked over to the water dispenser. He moved a dead human body, picked up a bloody cup, cleaned it, and filled it crystal-clear water. He stared at the water dispenser for five whole minutes before he realized something.

'This is going to be _fun_,' he said.

--

'That's right, boys, knock down those doors!' barked Droid Commander Danny 005. Danny was considered an elite droid among his metallic brethren. He was one of the first droids ever to be produced when the CIS was first formed, and one of the few that were still standing as the Clone Wars neared to an end. He was once stranded on the veggie world of Felucia without back-up, against the 182nd Legion of Clone Troopers. But he slaughtered them all, with a cleverly placed bomb in their camp. CIS reinforcements arrived, and Felucia was captured.

Danny was promoted to Droid Commander, and assigned to invade Coruscant. Now here he was, attacking the Control Bay of the Third Frontier AA guns. Somebody—he had a shrewd idea that it was a commando—had activated the guns, and were giving the CIS forces in orbit a hard time.

Danny was armed with dual DC-15a sidearm blasters—souvenirs he took from a decapitated clone trooper. His primary weapon, however, was the heavy Flechette shotgun. It was a bit slow, but it packed a lot of firepower. One blast of the shotgun and a head can explode—human or droid.

There was a sudden explosion and metal shards tore the smoky air. The doors have been destroyed.

'Move it, move it!' roared Danny. Here comes another victory for Danny.

--

It was blurry, but Fisto could see it clearly: the outline of a massive building. It was low, not very tall; but the building stretched sideways for as far as the eye can see. It was the color of the sand. What a good camouflage trick. He could call for reinforcements, but in his datapad was lost in the crash a few hours ago. Ventress would have no place to go…except this place.

Fisto closed in on the building, and saw the large double doors that were the entrance of the building. One of the doors was open.

Summoning the Force, Fisto sprinted with extraordinary speed towards the entrance.

--

OK. It's done. That should incapacitate the droids. Jamie could here their thunderous footsteps, destroying the security turrets. He quickly ducked behind the control system, readying his blaster in the darkness.

Then the droids walked in.

--

'Hmmph,' snorted Danny. 'Looks like the clone split. Hey—' He looked down. His feet, and the other droids' feet as well, had stepped into a big puddle of water. Danny looked around, and saw a broken water dispenser. 'He left in a hurry.' He mused, 'All right, get the tech droids to deactivate the AA guns. Hurry up—'

Then he saw a clone commando emerge from the darkness. The clone shot down several droids who were about to fire. Then he threw a grenade. Danny realized a great mistake he had done.

The water—the grenade—an electro-stun grenade—

It was the last mistake Danny ever made. The grenade exploded, and unleashed a hurricane of electricity which crawled into his very body, frying his insides. His troops cried out in pain, but Danny himself remained quiet, keeping the pain to himself. The water beneath their feet enhanced the electricity's velocity, and Danny and his soldiers finally fell down to the watery floor, giving out smoke that smelt like scorched metal.

So much for the legendary droid who brought down an entire legion. Well, at least he died in the same way his old foes died—killed by a bomb, set up by a lone soldier.

**To be continued…**

**Stay tuned for Chapter 10!!!**


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry for the very late update. Folks, this will be the last chapter of the Female Clones series. Don't worry; I'm planning to make a sequel under a different name. This story is lagging in every chapter, and my ideas are running dry. I'm sure a revamped version of Female Clones will entertain you all. So here you go: the final chapter.**

Chapter 10

The Explosive Climax or The Lazy Ending (Before the New Story Shows Up)

Hundreds of Republic gunships entered the atmosphere, announcing the defeat of the Separatists forces in orbit. The battle droids cowered under the majestic firepower of the Venator-class Republic cruisers, aiding the landing of the gunships. The gunships, once on ground, unleashed an armada of fresh clone troopers, sending a volley of blaster bolts to the unsuspecting droids.

Yeah, it seemed nice to the people of Coruscant. But not for the thinning battalions who have been relentlessly trying to disperse the invading battle droids.

_Fuck! _Kay swore. A commando who had helped them, Nia, had been neutralized by a Magna droid. The droid had been destroyed, while it spoke in a thick southern American accent. They were all at the on-site Med Bay prepared by the reinforcements. Just a few minutes ago, a clone medic reported that Nia had succumbed, even though the medic had tried his hardest to help her.

Berserk Squad was down in the dumps, indeed. They had lost two teammates in the same day. Even Jep had not managed to crack a sexist joke.

--

'About time you got here, faggots,' said Jamie, placing the tip of his gun on his shoulder. The reinforcement clone troopers poured into the Control Bay, seizing the controls.

'Sorry, sir,' one of the newbies said. 'We got held up in orbit,'

'And I saved your shiny butts before you could save mine.' Jamie snapped.

'Sorry, sir.' The newbie said again. Jamie shook his head and walked away. He grinned under his dirty helmet as he saw a gunship was waiting for him. A clone engineer called him. 'Sir! Your advisor sent me to escort you back to the RAS _Anal-log._'

'Then let's go.' Jamie said, hopping in the gunship. 'I'm hungry and I need to watch some porn. But wait—my advisor said that another commando will be coming around Where—'

'Sorry sir, but the commando has been reported dead.'

'Dandy.'

--

Her long, spidery fingers clicked on the system log, deleting every file inside the mainframe. It was a miracle that the Republic has not discovered this secret outpost. But that miracle will not last. Her master had made it clear that she must destroy everything which could connect the entire war to her master—

She heard it, even in the dark.

Kit Fisto brought down his green lightsaber with might, but Ventress deflected it with her own sabers. She glimpsed at the mainframe—only one file left. She screamed and unleashed a Force barrier, which knocked Fisto backwards.

'You will perish in this barren wasteland, Jedi!' roared Ventress, in a very manly way. Her baldness amplified the very fact.

'Trust me, lady, I've faced worse,' scoffed Fisto. 'Ever been at the end of a very long line in Taco Bell at two in the morning?'

'What has that got to do with this?'

'Mustafar's Taco Bell.'

'Oh.' Ventress did not pursue the subject. Instead, she quickly (but secretly) reached behind for the system controls and began deleting the last file. The file had a very big capacity, so it took ten minutes to delete the whole shebang. That's OK. She's faced a Jedi Master and survived in more than ten minutes before. Heck, she even survived her confrontation with the Chosen One! Though she had not killed him, Ventress did leave a nasty scar as a souvenir for that pesky Skywalker.

Fisto rushed forward, swinging his saber. Ventress ducked, avoiding the slash and struck at his feet. Fisto jumped and Ventress slid on the ground, passing him from underneath. She got back up and made a cyclone style attack. Fisto deflected the attack, but it was so strong that he was forced backwards. Ventress then stopped, and Fisto saw an opening. Again he rushed forward. This time Ventress was too slow as Fisto's blade sizzled her left shoulder. She cried in pain and fell on the ground. Fisto held his blade at Ventress's chin.

'Asajj Ventress, you are under arrest for numerous war crimes, including assassination, attempted assassination, conspiracy to commit assassination, and I don't know, maybe littering on the battlefield.'

Ventress bowed her head, and began laughing like a little girl. It was eerie for Fisto; he never saw a bald person giggle like a pre-school girl. 'The Jedi will fall. I know it, my master knows it…and even _you_ know it, Jedi. You are just delaying the inevitable.'

'I've heard that crap a hundred times,' Fisto said. 'It's like the last testament of a soon-to-die Sith Lord.'

'I'm a Sith Lady, you tentacle-headed moron.'

'Screw you, bald bitch. Your head's like an egg shell. Even an egg would laugh at you.' His eyes flickered to the screen of the mainframe. 'What the—'

'Die.' Ventress extracted a detonator from her inventory and clicked on the self-destruct button. An explosion erupted, engulfing the whole room in a swirl of flames and black smoke.

'_Fuck! That's pollution!'_

--

Three scout troopers were in the desert of Geonosis to…well, to scout the place which hadn't been charted yet. Damn geographical experts in orbit didn't catch this desert of burning sand. Well, it was reported that this particular desert had a jamming device that blocked any incoming signals. So the scout troopers moved their feet through the sand, the temperature rising every second. They had speeder bikes earlier, but the heat proved to be too much for the engines. And the sniper rifles behind their backs weren't that light. So were the pistols and electro binoculars they kept attached to their belts.

And then a boom was heard.

'What the _fuck _was that?' the clones spun their heads around, using their visors which enhanced their vision.

'_There!' _the second clone trooper shouted, pointing somewhere northwest of their position.

A building which stretched sideways, hidden deep behind the sand and blazing heat. Smoke was spiraling from a small part of it.

'_Let's go!'_ the third trooper exclaimed. He drew his pistol and sprinted toward the building. 'It must be a secret outpost for the Separatists!'

The first and second clones looked in surprise as the third clone raced forward with new vigor, yelling 'Come on! Come on!'

'What's with him?' the second trooper asked, running.

The first ran with him as he replied. 'I think he needs to use the bathroom. You know, he wolfed down twenty tacos and fifteen burritos that were found in the Geonosian's food storage.'

'Now I know where that shitty smell came from…'

--

The next three hours passed with a lot of happenings. The three scout troopers called for back up and raided the secret outpost. While waiting, the trooper with the stomach problem died in an electro-shock trap set in the bathroom. The other troopers confirmed that it was actually a prank set up by a droid for his fellow soldiers. The clone reinforcements found Fisto, lying in the Command Center, next to a heap of burnt flesh. Fisto recovered, but never got over seeing Ventress's detached and burnt scalp.

The clone technicians hacked into what remained of the outpost's mainframe. Nothing valuable was in there, but they did manage to recover a small fragment of a file under the name 'ORDER 66'. There was nothing in there, as the file was badly corrupted, and the technicians could not heal the file. Obviously, the clones did not know it was a Contingency Order of the Grand Army of the Republic. Anyway, if they did, they wouldn't remember all of it.

Fisto pondered over it while the technicians hacked for more information. Finally, he decided upon what it was.

'Must have been an overdue McDonald's order. Their cheap rates for oil drinks are attracting the lower class of droids nowadays.'

--

…

'_Execute Order 66.'_

'Would you like fries with that sir?'

'_Oops. Sorry, wrong number. But since I called you, I think I'll have the Evil Meal.'_

'Thank you for ordering our service delivery at McDonald's, sir.'

'_Oh, I really like you guys. You know, you might get a big endorsement deal from the government one day.'_

'Thank you, sir, but I'm sure that will never happen. The big guys don't really like us since _we're _actually the CIS's biggest food supplier.'

'_You'll see, my friend….'_

…

'_Execute Order 66.'_

'Yes, my lord. It will be done.'

'_And go downtown to pick up my Evil Meal at McDonald's.'_

'Yes, sir.'

--

The dark days came and thunder was unleashed. And I'm not talking about weather forecasts. Dark days _really _came and thunder _really _struck, wiping out the Jedi Order. Clones, without feeling remorse, obeyed the evil Chancellor's commands and eliminated their Jedi commanders on the battlefield. The Republic was dissolved as people thought the Jedi were staging a coup. Now the Empire rose, crushing the remains of both the Republic and the Separatists.

At the helm of this new age was Emperor Palpatine (how modest), aided by his new apprentice, Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith. This evil-doer was once the renowned Jedi Knight and Chosen One Anakin Skywalker. But after being swayed by promises of power, reserved parking spaces at all major shopping complexes and the latest gadgets in technology for free, Anakin descended into darkness, and was reborn. His rebirth was in shrouds of evil…as Darth Vader.

The men and women of the GAR were reorganized, now into the Galactic Imperial army. Armed with new weapons, new armor and new battle cruisers, the Imperial troops enforced the law of insane space lane taxes and other nasty stuff onto the galaxy. They were no longer recognized as clone troopers. No, clone troopers bore the face of the Republic. Now, they are the Imperial stormtroopers, and they symbolized the evil of the Empire.

The brilliant faces behind the Female Clones Project disappeared, as Kamino goes offensive against the Empire when they were realized as a threat. All their data, experiment reports, results, all gone. All that was left was fear of death. Fa-Ti Bich and her colleagues were clever in running. Kamino may have been the creators of the Republic's soldiers, but they were no match against the Empire's veteran soldiers who survived in the Clone Wars.

Obi Wan Kenobi fought off against Anakin Skywalker in one last attempt to save the galaxy. But the Jedi Master ultimately failed in saving his former student. He was able to save Anakin's children as Padme died, leaving their names as last words. Well, her _actual _last words were 'I know…there is still good…in him.'. Together Obi Wan and Yoda hid the children from the Empire, hoping that one day they would redeem the honor and glory of the Jedi.

They were once the good guys, fighting for a good cause. But now Berserk Squad had changed faces and sides. What will happen?

--

**Finale Memoir**

It was dark in Coruscant, and nobody really cared where he was going. Heck, he had their looks anyway. They were all pretty excited, even for a bunch of soldiers.

'It's the Empire now…'

'I wonder what they'll do to the 501st…

'I hear we're getting the BlasTech E-11!'

Screw them. Screw the Empire. Heck, screw the entire galaxy and their stupid wars. He had enough. At first he was with the Ultimate Face of Justice, now he was fighting for an Ultimate Tyrant Destroyer. Well, he didn't want to fight anymore. So Kay thought as he walked faster to the Imperial Training Center gates. The guards wouldn't care. Almost everyone was out partying, and the reformat process would end in another week or so.

He's going to break free tonight. _'We're breaking free…we're soaring…flying…' _Get that High School Musical song out of your head, soldier.

Free of burden, and free of mindless violence. Kay knew that leaving his current life would mean leaving everyone behind. Jep, Betty, Gavin, Laura, Blitz, Helga…but he knew they'd never understand. His life was already modified to die faster. Why waste it trying to get yourself killed?

What he'll do out there, he'll never know. But Kay knew that it would be a hell lot better than staying here. Staying here and being a slave.

Besides, he did see an All-You-Can-Eat free buffet somewhere in town.

THE END

**Wow. Wouldn't you know it? This is the first time I actually finished a story. Feels like I accomplished something great! Thanks guys for your support! Without all of you, this would've been crap. And you don't have to worry about a damn thing. Like I said earlier, there will be a sequel for this story. And hopefully, it'll be ten times better than this one. The sequel will take place during the Galactic Civil War, and there'll be plenty of female stormtroopers around. So see you around, folks! And here's one last gift…**

**THE BEST REVIEWER AWARD GOES TO:  
Yellow14**

**For achievement in giving me the most reviews! This one's for you!**

**THANK YOU AGAIN AND DON'T FORGET TO READ THE UPCOMING SEQUEL!!!**

**-kaixa93**


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